Monday, 10 October 2016

It's 2am. Leave me alone.

Go away. Why do you keep bothering me. It's 2am. Piss off.

Please not tonight. I'm tired and need my sleep, imagining all my deepest fears is a real inconvenience right now. Backwards, forwards, sideways, I have thought about them all ways a million times over. 5 years ago, ten years from now.  Give me a break. 

Walking to the park with my gorgeous little boy, sun is shining, life is good and suddenly there you are. In my way. I didn't see you coming and now I can't get past you. I can't get round you. Get out of my way. And with another step towards me, your suffocating presence turns me on my heel and home we go. 

I'm doing the food shop, trying to concentrate but there you are in my mind, wrapping yourself around me so I can't  breathe. Speaking into my ear, your voice is so loud it is deafening. I can't think, I don't know how to shop, your presence makes me forget everything. A supermarket seems like the scariest of places all of a sudden and I need to leave, now. 

Sitting in a bar, surrounded by friends but you've put me in your bubble. I can see them laughing, joking, having fun. I can see myself too, going through the motions. But I'm not really there, I'm trapped here with you. They sound so far away from where we are. A blur of laughter and smiles.  On our way home you will have me convinced they hate me. They are ridiculing me as they drive away. That's got to be true. Why would anybody like me. I don't even know who me is because of you. 

My wonderful husband to be makes a suggestion for an exciting place to go, and an exciting thing to do. I answer "yes sounds great" but by the time my words have left my lips you have already whispered a hundred reasons why I won't go. And you're right, I won't go. I will be too scared and too afraid and again you will have your way. 

Stop being ridiculous they will say. There is nothing to worry about they will repeat over and over again hoping to make it all better. I know they are right, but you are so powerful. Your ability to control my mind is terrifying. "No one will believe you" you will have me convinced, "they will think your attention seeking".  I can't take much more of this. 

I'm pretty good at keeping away from you, ducking and diving to avoid you but then you appear and knock the breath right out of my lungs. Sometimes, so hard it physically hurts. Even on a good day,  I will always be running, never completely free. I have so much to be joyful for, please let me feel happiness without fear. 

Sometimes I feel so sad. Sometimes I am so trapped by you and I wonder if you will ever let me go. I need to stand up to you, but you drain my energy. I am so tired of silently fighting with you.

Go away. Why do you keep bothering me. It's 4am. Piss off. Anxiety. 

*Note - I wrote this on 14th April 2015, and am posting it on 10th October 2016, on World Mental Health Awareness Day. I have almost posted this a few times but have never been brave enough before now.  I have come such a long way since I wrote this, I have built strategies to cope, and if you follow my Instagram you will see I've been pretty brave this summer, doing things I wouldn't have done previously, and I'm pretty proud of that. One day at a time.*